Most days I feel fine. I just go about my normal tasks as if nothing is different. Then, out of nowhere, it hits me. I’m lonely. Not lonely in the sense that I have no interaction with others. After all, I work five days a week in a 15-floor office building. I see my parents occasionally on the weekends. I chat with friends. I even make occasional plans. When I say lonely, I mean that I miss being someone’s something special.
Over the last year and half, I’ve put OFF dating and put ON weight. I haven’t really given it a second thought. Shit, if gaining weight were an Olympic sport, I would definitely make the medal stand. What with the volatile election, COVID, over 96% of my company being either laid off or furloughed (fortunately, not including me), and everything else that has transpired, I just didn’t want the headache surrounding dating.
I’ve stopped using Facebook, and I only log on occasionally, but it’s usually due to receipts I have to reconcile for my company’s business account on there. Today I had to do just that, and, after getting done with the work part, I decided to scroll through my feed for a minute or two. In that time, I saw a childhood friend who’d lost his wife to cancer within the last year or so had posted a picture of an engagement ring with the caption, “She said yes!”
Sure, I understand that if I don’t even put myself out there that I can’t expect an eligible bachelor to fall into my lap. Furthermore, I am NOT even sure how I feel about marriage for me. I just miss the “feeling special” part. Either these people are settling, have low standards, or just have a fear of being alone…OR…love found them and now they have their happy ending.
Even yesterday, I got a text from a friend of mine who I haven’t seen in at least two years who will be in town this weekend. She told me that her “almost boyfriend” lives close by me and wanted to see if we could get together. Almost boyfriend? Not quite sure what that means exactly, but hey, at least she’s probably almost having sex, which is more than I can say. Hell, I’ve been wondering if you can be re-virginized if you haven’t had sex in a certain amount of time.
So, my dilemma is this: I want to meet someone but I enjoy my alone time but I miss the whole kissing and sex part but I don’t want to deal with some idiot who has the opposite outtake as I do but I need to learn to put myself back out there but I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin anymore thanks to a year of very little physical activity but meeting someone could be just the catalyst I need to change my mindset but…but…but…but…
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like over the last year I have forgotten how to be me. I’ve become fearful of the what ifs. How do I flip the switch ON that includes the all-important fuck its? Fuck not fitting into my clothes. Fuck not feeling strong and attractive. Fuck worrying about meeting an idiot. Fuck wondering what my friends who I haven’t seen in a while will think of me. FUCK VANITY! I need a social life…or more of a social life again. Time to shine some light on what has been a dark, lonely year. Let the switch flippin’ begin!
Classified Confessions 
This was a good post. I’m sure lots of people can relate. I do. Yes, I’ve been lonely for awhile, but I’ve felt like it really grew worse over the past year. They sent me (and most everyone else) home from work with our computer in March 2020. Since then I’ve been to the office only because of lost power or internet at home, and it has only been five times. The last was roughly Feb. 25, the only time this year I’ve been there. I’ve stayed home pretty much otherwise. I will go three or four days where the only time I leave the house is to walk to the end of the driveway to get the mail, and most of my other excursions are just to get groceries (masked, of course). So the chance of meeting anyone is next to nil. And I feel the loneliness of not having someone being my special someone (and vice versa), as well as sex or whatever else. But I really miss having someone to talk to, to just discuss how our day went. So many days the only talking I do is to my cat or Siri, and neither offer much in return.
I hope that switch is turned on for you. It’s much better than it being off. Good luck and best wishes.
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