Well, at least I know now

This has been a difficult few weeks. I started a new job towards the end of February. I equate my first week or so to meeting a new potential beau. You’re in that honeymoon stage where things are new and exciting. You think this is gonna go the distance. Then reality sets in. That’s where I am now, and I’m finally seeing the reality through clear eyes – I am NOT a salesperson.

I went through a week and a half of training. I picked up on what they taught pretty well and even scored a 98.1 on my final exam. We did role playing by reading through the script and making sure we hit on all the points. They’d show us briefly, and in a disjointed manner, what you’d look for in each system. The problem is that they never once had us read through the script while also going through the processes on the computer you’d do start to finish. The way they figured we’d understand it best is to just put us on the phone…with live customers. Yeah, that’s not like throwing me in the deep end of the pool. It’s like throwing me in the ocean with no raft! Hell…can I at least get some floaties?! I asked several times if we could do that only to get a response with something like, “Oh, you’ll be fine. It’ll all make sense.” Ummmm…no!

I like to be somewhat prepared when I start a role that complex. Sure, they introduced us to the process by calling prior clients and only selling them on one product. I was excited when I made three sales in one day. The next day I came in and mentioned that not only had a done that, but I also realized that based on what they needed, it was a different product I sold to two of the three. I then found out that I got no commission for doing that. Wait! You’re telling me that even though you mentioned these products and had us go check that company’s website for their product that we get NOTHING for doing right by the customer?! Ethically, I felt good that I did the right thing by them. Business-wise, I was fucking PISSED that I wasn’t aware and didn’t understand this. This seems like something very basic. How was it that it was overlooked by me? It’s written into our script that we’re completely unbiased and don’t care which provider we choose, but that’s not true. We do care. Surely, someone there with lower morals than me would have sold the higher plan just to get the commission. That doesn’t sit well.

They next had us calling recent clients who had made a decision about all the products except one. It was our job to get a yes or no from them. This one product is very complicated. No one in our class made a single sale. After we all passed our tests, we were then put on the phones to sell all products. I was nervous, but they kept telling me that it would start making more sense and to just ask my immediate manager questions. The problem was that he was rarely available. When I did have a question, I’d ask someone more senior. Turns out that they weren’t always sure or I’d find out later that they gave me the wrong information. Great!

I finally made two sales last Thursday and was grateful I had THE MOST patient customer ever! I struggled through the sales and it turns out that one of the products included the most complicated order placement of everything. I also was supposed to be with the rest of my class in a meeting with CEO. Oh well…I’m sure he was fine with me missing it when I was making him money.

When I finally got off the phone with the customer, I needed help entering the order in a second, product-specific system. My immediate manager was gone, as was everyone else in my area, so I asked the company’s sales manager to help me. He was happy to do so. He sat down next to me, and upon seeing the system I was having to use, says, “Oh…I’ve only done this twice.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! In his quest to help me, he did it wrong, and I pray they fix it before the sweet customer is charged a shit ton of money. Because of this product’s process, I still had to call a separate number to speak to that company’s rep and then bring the customer BACK on the phone to verify the order. I told the rep about the issue with the order. He said that he had already fixed it and sent an addendum to the customer. I sure hope THAT was correct since I wasn’t copied on it.

Later that day, I was finally asking my immediate manager some questions and realized just how confused I was about everything. He’s a very sweet man and I do like him a lot, even as a manager, but I was feeling so incompetent at that point that I was fighting back tears. He could tell I was frustrated and was very patient with me. It was becoming more and more apparent to me that I was NOT grasping the job this way. I couldn’t figure out the systems. I was confused on the products. My friend who’s been in sales her whole career told me that starting a new sales job is like drinking from a firehose. Yeah…I can understand SOME stress from a new job and learning the ropes, but when I have no time to stop and get a refresher from someone because I have to hit my talk time and sales goals, I felt like I was never going to catch up.

I came home that night and wrote out the processes for each line of business and what systems you go to and what is needed for that product. I also wrote out what I did and didn’t understand. I was going to mention this to my immediate manager, but when I mentioned it to one of my classmates, he looked at me like, “Oh yeah. I already know all that stuff.” Great! So apparently I’m just a moron.

Yesterday was no better. I talked to person after person. Some were very nice, but when they declined the service, I did my best to turn it around, but I’m just NOT built to force something on someone they clearly don’t want or need. Sure, maybe I didn’t do as good a job in showing them the value in what I was selling, but I did enough and then didn’t want to piss the person off. As the day went on, I prayed that every person I called would not answer and I could just spend the day leaving messages.

They mentioned to us in our morning meeting that if we didn’t hit our goal by Friday that we should come in on Saturday. Are you fucking kidding me? I’m already leaving by 7:00 am to drive there in a commute that takes at least an hour. I’m working my ass off all day and can’t control who is home and who isn’t. Then I don’t leave sometimes until closer to 7:00 pm with another hour-long commute. They bring in all sorts of food that isn’t in line with my diet. So far they’ve had pizza, donuts, popsicles, breakfast tacos, and even cupcakes. Sure it’s a great motivator for most people, but for me, it’s pure torture. I started on February 20th and since February 23rd I’ve had a sore throat. I’ve been to the doctor twice and went again last night after work and finally had them give me a shot and do every test they could just because. My benefits don’t even start with this company until May 1st, and I’ve heard they’re not that good. Great! FML! Because I’ve been sick and exhausted for three weeks and leaving so early and getting home so late, I haven’t been able to exercise. This role just feels like it’s killing me. I’m still living with my parents and am no closer to moving out than when I started because the base salary equates to $14/hour. How the fuck do you live off that?!?! If I wasn’t living with my parents I’d be homeless!

I was talking with the guy who sits next to me who was from the training class a month before mine. I ADORE him! He’s a black, gay man and we immediately hit it off. I seriously need more of him in my life despite him being a complete mess. In between calls, he tells me that he is the only person left from his training class. I was shocked!…but then after thinking about my time there, I wasn’t. At about 4:00 pm yesterday, I made a decision. I was done. This is not the type of role where you give someone your two weeks’ notice. Most people would just leave and not come back. I’m not that type of person. I won’t just bail without letting someone know.

After I finally made it home after going to the doctor again, I talked with my mom and told her I just can’t do this job anymore. I’m exhausted, stressed, confused, and the thought of going back there causes me so much anxiety that I just can’t. She completely understood having seen how it’s affected me the last few weeks. At my core, I’m just not built for sales…especially with such inadequate training. I don’t want to go back and leave in tears, which is what would probably happen.

On Sunday, I will email both my immediate manager and the recruiting manager to tender my resignation. I’m spending this weekend resting my body. After a cortisone shot yesterday, I finally woke up for the first time without a sore throat. Monday, I will hit it hard with job applications and find something more fitting that has immediate benefits and possibly a closer commute…or at least a decent salary so I can actually MOVE OUT!

I guess I never would have realized that I’m just not cut out for this unless I took the leap. It shows that scoring ridiculously high on a training test doesn’t correlate to how well you’ll do in an actual role. Maybe I need to find a job where I go into a company, go through their training, start a job and let them know how their training could be improved. Either way, I need to do what’s best for me. I’m terrified that it’s gonna take me a long time to find something different since it took forever for me to find this job. I know I don’t want to work for a small company and need benefits that start immediately. After that, I’ve got a lot of work to find what works for me. Now THAT is work I’m willing to do!

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Dividing My Eggs

It hit me last night that patterns have occurred in my dating life. One major pattern I noticed was that when I meet someone with whom I have a great connection, I dive in headfirst with my blinders on immediately. I can’t see the forest for the trees and I lose all objectivity. What usually happens is a relationship then fizzles, and I’m left with my heart in ruins because either I pushed too hard too fast or my blinders got ripped off and I was seeing things horribly clear.

Time for a change.

I explained to Striker about this pattern I’m seeing and felt the need to put on the brakes a bit and take a step back. We talked through things and he was so sweet and understanding. Honestly, he was probably a bit relieved. I know I was. We haven’t made plans to see each other but we did text a little today, so that’s good.

Now…since I need to divide my attention, I’ve realized the downsides of putting all my eggs in one basket. First, there’s the fizzle. That’s definitely where things are already headed. Secondly, when the guy isn’t available, I start wondering what he’s doing or why he doesn’t want to spend time with me. Finally, I don’t leave myself open to the possibility of another great guy showing up and blowing the other(s) out of the water.

So…having said that, I’ve decided to date around while still seeing Striker. I haven’t seen him since our “date” last Wednesday, so apparently he has other things going on too. This Thursday, I’m going to be celebrating the 41st birthday with a guy I saw a few times last December. I did the same thing with him, and when he realized he was up to his eyeballs in my fucking eggs, HE put on the brakes. I now TOTALLY get it! We’ve been in contact and he is aware that I’ve been seeing Striker too. He’s fine with that.

The thing is with him, we’ll call him Collin, is that from the first time we met, our chemistry was INSANE! I’m not sure what it is about him but we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Additionally, he ranks up there as one of the best kissers I’ve met. Holy SHITBALLS it’s good! So, he’s going to help me by letting me help him celebrate his birthday later this week.

Once I made this decision, I immediately felt better. I’ve put way too much pressure on myself with Striker, and it’s time to actually have some fun! I’m sure that eventually one beaux will stand out of the crowd, but until then, it’s time to divide and conquer!

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Quick advice

Never try to combine a move, a new job, and a new relationship. The result, in my case, is a stressed, emotional woman who can cry at the drop of a hat and is scared shitless that it will all blow up in her face.

Time to breathe and take things as they come. (…and repeat the above out loud over and over!!)

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Gonna Weird Science the shit out of this!

I’ve heard a little from Striker today but I’m not engaging him much. I’m trying to figure things out and feel like I need to take a step back since I’m infamous for getting too involved/attached too quickly. It usually ends with a fizzle, and I’m afraid that’s what’s happening here too. Maybe this is a pattern for me and I need to casually date a bunch of people until one stands out amongst the rest.

Having said that, I had a conversation with my sister on Valentine’s Day and told her about the disaster of a date with Striker. She gave me an idea.

It’s time to go all “Weird Science” on my dating life!!

What do I mean by that? Well, if you’ve ever seen the movie, Gary & Wyatt get bored one night and decide to use their super awesome computer to construct the ideal woman. They think of everything from cup size (“Anything larger than a handful and you’re risking a sprained tongue.”) to music preferences/personality traits. They then get a Barbie doll, hook wires up to it and their computer, adorn their heads with bras (“It’s ceremonial.”), and press Enter. There’s a huge storm that occurs and out of the steam and smoke in the bathroom appears the living, breathing version of their doll. Shenanigans ensue, lessons are learned, and because of this, it will always be a favorite of mine.

Now…given all this, my sister suggested I do the same thing. Now first, I don’t have a G.I. Joe doll or a Commodore 64 computer to use, and I’m not going to adorn my head with a jockstrap, but I have decided to make a list of my ideal man in case a blog post is the new version of this process from the 80’s.

Below are qualities/characteristics of my ideal man. If any of you fit the bill, please let me know!!

  • Brunette (healthy head of hair – no crazy bald spots hidden by a ball cap)
  • At least 5’10” tall
  • Great smile with no missing teeth and actually utilizes his smile
  • Can keep a beat
  • Enjoys either country or salsa dancing or is willing to learn (see above for skill needed to be successful at either)
  • Can sing, mostly on key and enjoys going to karaoke with me
  • Doesn’t drink more than 8 alcoholic beverages in a month (I’m not a drinker and do NOT want to be someone’s DD!)
  • Exercises for at least 60 minutes at least 3 times a week and is closer to a healthy weight and works to improve himself
  • Eats a healthy diet with the understanding that life is meant to be enjoyed but that is the exception and not the rule
  • Is chivalrous – will open doors, use manners, and is polite to people of all races, genders, sexual orientations, ages, etc.
  • Understands the importance of dating, even after you’ve been together for a while
  • Is romantic and will do little things as well as grand gestures to show he cares (not asking more of him that I would do myself)
  • Has a good relationship with his family and gets along with everyone
  • Treats me like a lady in public and will ravage me in private
  • Doesn’t have any serious medical issues that would prevent us from enjoying a full, active life together including traveling or physical activities like hiking, playing sports, or dancing
  • Has friends outside of our relationship who I know but who he can go do things with on his own (I don’t want to be someone’s everything all the time.)
  • Has a steady job working Monday through Friday, is somewhat ambitious, and as career goals
  • Is financially stable – lives within his means, has an above average credit rating, and understands when you should and shouldn’t spend money
  • Has his own place – house, apartment, etc. with no roommates
  • Is great with children and is open to adoption should we decide we want a family
  • Enjoys watching movies like Sci Fi, comedies, RomComs, dramas…basically, anything but horror, anime, or films with a lot of subtitles
  • Has above average intelligence and can intelligently talk about a range of subjects from random trivia to the concept of multiple universes
  • Is kind to animals, but would prefer to have a dog over a cat, rat, snake, etc.
  • Has a good bedside manner for when I don’t feel good (which isn’t all that often)
  • Is an optimist at heart and will always revert back to that way of thinking even after a rough patch
  • Can communicate openly and will discuss things when we have a disagreement instead of yelling or storming off
  • Will be respectful of me even when I’m not with him
  • Sends random texts throughout the day just so I know he’s thinking about me
  • Knows how to fix things or is willing to learn
  • LOVES to snuggle
  • Kisses the way I enjoy kissing!!
  • Is not a selfish lover and is very adventurous
  • Knows how to use proper grammar even in a text or email
  • Will take selfies with me and will instigate them himself
  • Adapts to an unfamiliar situation well
  • Cleans up nicely but can also be just as attractive to me in shorts and a t-shirt
  • Will come cheer me on (without me having to ask him to) when I enter a race or contest of some sort
  • Loves my family and truly wants to be a part of it
  • Compliments me when I look nice, comforts me when I’m sad, and enjoys PDAs
  • Has a contagious laugh
  • Doesn’t speak with his mouth full and has nice table manners
  • Is more spiritual than religious
  • Can discuss religion or politics WITH me rather than talk AT me
  • Geeks out over silly things
  • Plays or has played an instrument
  • Understands that quality time with someone means putting your phone away and being in the moment
  • Is more of an extrovert and enjoys being around new friends
  • Likes to hold hands whether we’re at home or out
  • Is a tidy person and like things orderly
  • Will act goofy to cheer me up or make me smile
  • Has a creative side like drawing, painting, writing, or something that requires him to create something original
  • Is a non-smoker…period and doesn’t like going to smoky places!!!!
  • Likes to talk on the phone rather than texting when we can
  • Knows his way around a kitchen and how to cook actual meals (more than just reheating pre-packaged meals)
  • Kisses me in the rain
  • Dances with me randomly when the mood strikes and loves to hold me close when we slow dance
  • Kisses my forehead
  • Nuzzles my nose
  • Admits when he is wrong and gives a genuine apology
  • Understands that it takes two people to WANT to make a relationship work and will always want to better our relationship


This is a pretty extensive list…I know. I’m sure there isn’t ONE person who can fulfill all of this, but this is my G.I. Joe version of my ideal man. I understand that some of these might be open to interpretation, but I know how I interpret each of them, so I’m basing it off that idea.

If you can think of any other great qualities I’ve left off, please be sure to comment below. I’d be interested to see what qualities you look for in a partner as well. Maybe we can all sit together in solidarity with our jockstraps and bras on our heads as we anticipate the vision that will appear when the smoke clears.

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Striking Out

To say I’m confused about my current dating situation would be an understatement. Part of me knows that I should end it, but part of me is curious to see how things might progress in case it gets better. Is exclusivity something that is understood nowadays or do you actually have to declare it? Am I “allowed” to see someone else, even get physical with them, given the declaration hasn’t happened? Maybe I’m too much of a nice person not to do that when I REALLY want to. Ugh! Dating drives me nuts!

My current guy, let’s call him Striker, has been unavailable since Thursday due to having family in for his parents’ 50th anniversary. I already described most of the disastrous Valentine’s “date” we went on in my previous post, so I’ve been prepared to fly solo for the foreseeable future. One thing about Striker is that he is in two different bowling leagues. He’s very good, but he also has slipped disks in his back, so it probably isn’t the best pastime. Regardless, I figured having family in this week would give his back a bit of a break from bowling since his leagues usually play on Monday and Friday and his family arrived on Thursday.

Turns out that last night he went bowling after his family dinner. WTF?!?! I had invited him to join me and some friends tonight for some karaoke, to which he said it sounded fun but that he wouldn’t be able to attend. This was prior to his family coming in. So now, here I sit, wondering if I’m lower on the priority list than bowling and saving his back is. I’ve backed off quite a bit, and it seems as if either he has as well or he just is very engaged with his family. That’s great and all, but then why couldn’t he be engaged in our conversation on our Valentine’s “date” on Wednesday?!

FUCK! I need to turn my brain off!!! What I really need is someone to distract me from all this. My head and heart already know that I’ll be okay should this end, which I’m figuring it will, but with me starting my new job on Wednesday and all the shit I’m going to deal with in regards to training, an hour long commute (minimum) one way, figuring out when I can work out, etc., I’m just a bit overwhelmed. Again, that’s why some exhausting sex would really help right now! Hell…I’ll settle for a hug and snuggles.

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Forlorn Friday

I’m not sure how well I’m adjusting to all this.

First, back in November, I quit my job and moved back to my hometown since I didn’t like my career path, my lease was up, and I wanted to be closer to family. Finding a job at that time of year was all but impossible, so I kept myself busy working out five days a week while I applied to job after job. The holidays came and went and still nothing. Finally, after the first of the year, things picked up in the job market. I’m happy to say that I’ll be starting an inside sales job next Wednesday. It’s completely different from what I was doing before, and I’ll be in training for three weeks. I’ve basically been “retired” since before Thanksgiving, so I’m about to come out of retirement and jump back into the fire complete with an hour-long commute one way.

Secondly, I’ve now been dating someone for almost three weeks and am not sure how I feel about everything. Our “Valentine’s” dinner was a disaster. He’s busy with family right now, so he asked if we could do dinner early. I was elated since it was our first Valentine’s Day together. I got all dolled up, but not too over the top given where we were going. He picked me up, although didn’t come to the door OR get out to open my door for me. When I got in the car, instead of telling me how nice I looked, he mentioned that he should have told me to dress more causally since he came right from work and looked very frumpy. I was glad I had my sweater on because I kept it closed pretty much the whole night so I wouldn’t look ridiculous standing/sitting next to frumpy man.

While we waited for our meal, he mentioned to me that he doesn’t really care about Valentine’s Day since he thinks the holiday is stupid. It’s only because he doesn’t think it should be just one day that you show the person you’re with that you care about them. He is a very sweet guy, but then why tell me this is a Valentine’s dinner? He set up my expectations and then sort of shit all over them. The night just went downhill from there, and I got home feeling extremely disappointed yet again on another Valentine’s Day. I texted him the day after to tell him everything that was bothering me and we seemed to talk through things well enough, but now he’s spending time with family which means I’m alone with my thoughts.

There are a lot of things I really like about him, but there are a lot of things that have me wanting to run for the hills as well. I’m starting to wonder if I just shouldn’t date…ever…period! Maybe I just need a fling with no strings attached until I’m in a better place, both physically and emotionally. I actually know of someone I can call, but given that I won’t do that unless there’s a clean cut from this relationship, that will just have to be an idea for now. We haven’t had the conversation of exclusivity at all, but given how things have gone so far, I feel like he assumes we are and I don’t want to screw that up. FUCK!

On top of all this, my mom’s best friend, my “aunt,” is battling a very aggressive brain tumor. She lives out of state and my sister is very close with her and my “uncle.” Things are not going well and she could take a turn for the worse at any moment. My mom is terrified, so I’m at least glad I’m here for her, but my poor sister is having a very rough time. I’m really scared that she’s going to pass away while I’m in the middle of my training at my new job and I won’t be able to fly out for her funeral.

Right now, I’m sitting here on the verge of tears, just needing a good cry. I’d love nothing more than the guy I’m seeing to be here to just hold me while I do, but again, he’s unavailable. I’m actually to the point that I’m about to just take two Benadryl and go to bed just so I can turn off my brain. I know tomorrow will be better, but I can’t seem to pull myself together right now. It’s all just getting to me.

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Smooth Move

A lot has happened in the last few months. I have quit my job, relocated back to my hometown to be closer to my family, and have moved back in with my parents while I look for a job here. This has been a big decision, but it was something I’d decided upon back in July.

There were several reasons for my move. First, I HATED what I did for a living. I worked as an Executive Assistant for an asset management firm. While the people I worked with were great, my boss was a bit of an elitist. I hated the fact that I was a gloried secretary and personal assistant. I didn’t get any satisfaction from my job despite the fact that I was very good at it, but scheduling meetings and booking travel just leaves me lacking in the fulfillment department. Because of this dissatisfaction, I decided it was time for a career change. What do I want to be when I grow up? NO FUCKING CLUE!…and so the job hunt continues.

My second reason for this change was due to the fact that I wanted to be closer to my family. I moved away from my hometown when I left for college 25+ years ago. While I’ve been back many times to visit, it’s just not the same. My parents are now in their mid- to late-50’s and just being able to get a hug from them or have dinner together on a random Tuesday is something I’ve been enjoying. My brother and I have gotten closer as we’ve gotten older, especially given we’re only 18 months apart and have a lot of the same friends. Getting to go places with him has been fun as well.

The last reason, which really was just a matter of timing, had to do with the fact that my lease at my apartment was up on November 19th. It all sort of worked out, and my elitist boss was generous enough to pay me my prorated bonus that I wasn’t supposed to get until the middle or end of February. I was very grateful!

I’m adjusting okay to living with someone again, as I haven’t done so since I got divorced back in 2012. Most companies aren’t hiring until the first of the year, so I’m applying where I can and hoping for the best. If I don’t have a job by the end of January, I’ll just have to take a position to cover me in the meantime.

I really do miss having my own space, but that will be something to look forward to. I’ve been able to work on my diet and exercise and dial those in quite a bit, so that’s been helping. I’m learning to say no more often when I either want some alone time or when I need to get some things done. I’m also learning to say yes more often to visits with friends or outings that I wouldn’t have otherwise gone on in the past.

What I’m really working on is being patient and trying to figure out what it is I want to do. Things always have a way of working out, so I’m trusting that will happen as well. I have so much to be grateful for – having a place to live, having family to support me, and having a fresh start. Now to just keep my head on straight until I find a job. Why can’t I just be retired or independently wealthy already?

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