I have a very good friend who is frustrating the hell out of me! There are so many things I want to say to her, but I honestly don’t think she’d truly hear me. I know this because I’ve felt like a recording that has been playing on repeat for the last 4 ½ years. Because of this building frustration, I’ve decided to write her a letter. It won’t be one I actually send, but really it’s just for my benefit. Before I do, let me give you some background.
My friend, we’ll call her Gloria, is married to a man she’s known since she was 15 years old. Back when she and I met, they were separated. I was recently divorced and she had some wild oats to sow, so we spent a lot of time out on the town exploring the various “oat-sowing” outlets. Right before she and her husband reconciled, she met a man, had a physical encounter, and that was it.
It wasn’t until she and her husband had bought a house that she realized something was up and went to the doctor to get herself checked out. You guessed it…she ended up pregnant. To make matters worse, she and her husband had tried for years to have a family with no success, so now what? Tell him, right?! Nope! Ok…give it a month or so and tell him…nope! I didn’t even find out there was another possible father until she was closer to her due date. To make a long story longer (sorry), she had her daughter and, despite the fact that she and her husband are Hispanic and the father is black, her husband was still clueless. Not only did she not tell him for more than six months, but she allowed the “sperm donor” (SD) to see her and the baby.
At no time has SD provided any financial support, and he all but threatened her when she asked for a paternity test. Despite his cowardly persona, she is still infatuated with him. I am so mad that if I ever meet him in person, I will walk up and junk punch him. Oh…did I mention he has children from a previous relationship who he doesn’t take care of either? Yeah…real winner.
Gloria and her husband are still together and you’d think that would be the end of it. NOPE! She not only was still seeing SD, but had yet ANOTHER physical fucking encounter (pun partially intended) which resulted in her SON. Fortunately this time, she told her husband very early on, and his response was, “I’m done!” Who could blame him, right?! So he moved out, you’d think. Nope…he didn’t.
So…here they are, living as roommates, sleeping in separate bedrooms, and she’s still seeing SD. She complains all the time about her husband not wanting to do anything with her and how lonely it is. She talks about how romantic SD is despite the fact that he STILL won’t take a DNA test so he can start paying back child support. I’m really starting to feel like her husband (“I’m done!”), but I’m trying to figure out how to be her friend. The result is that I’ve distanced myself from her quite a bit.
I’ve been a bit distraught for a while about all this, but I need some sort of outlet. This letter I’m writing below is what I really want to say but can’t/won’t. I guess this is my way of being her friend and saving our relationship but getting my frustrations out before my head fucking explodes!!!!
We’ve been friends for a while now, and I’ve always been an ear when you need someone to listen. Now it’s time for you to return the favor. I’ve always been clear about my opinion of SD, but it seems you haven’t been listening to anything I’ve said, so I’ve resulted in writing to you in hopes that these words will sink in.
You are in the unfortunate situation of being tied to SD for the rest of your life because of your lack of control around him. He has proven over and over what a worthless piece of shit he is, but you fail to see it. It appears your confidence is at an all-time low, but I want you to hear what I’m about to say. GROW THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are the mother of two, yes TWO children who are innocent in all this. SD is a joke. He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about your kids…yes, YOUR kids. A sperm donor does not a father make! He needs to be forced to take a paternity test so he can pay back child support, or he needs to be cut out of your life and the kids’ lives. If you think for one second that he will take care of you and the kids, you’re kidding yourself. Have more respect for yourself than that!! I will never support you seeing him…ever. I will never like him…ever. If I ever do come across him, he better fucking run!!!!!!! I’m really struggling not just telling you off in person when you tell me you’ve seen or talked to him. Seriously…grow up!
As far as your husband goes…you have NO RIGHT to say what he should or shouldn’t do or feel. That’s over. The fact that you refer to him as your kids’ daddy to your friends and family is utterly pissing me off! How DARE you put him in that situation. It’s bad enough you’ve betrayed him twice and have the children to prove it, but you act like the victim. Again…GROW UP! Be an adult and take responsibility for what you’ve done. If he doesn’t want to be around you, who can blame him? Why he’s stayed makes no sense. YOU need to be the one to end your marriage because he never will. YOU need to give him the freedom to live his life. It’s the least you can do considering you’re STILL seeing SD! Don’t you DARE blame your husband for wanting to see or talk to other women. You think you’re lonely?!?! How the fuck do you think he feels?
You wonder why I haven’t seen you or the kids in a while and rarely ask what’s going on with them because I know exactly where the conversation is going to lead. I am quickly losing patience with you and the days of biting my tongue will soon be over if you don’t get your shit together. I am not going to enable your behavior any longer and don’t really give a fuck if you’re lonely. Fuck that! I’ve been divorced now for over 4 ½ years and lonely doesn’t even begin to explain how it’s felt. Not to mention the fact that my ex-husband and his new wife have a child. A CHILD!! That was all I ever wanted and you’ve got two and by continually fucking up your life you’re fucking up theirs. Do you know how much that fucking pisses me off?! I’m to the point with you that I need a stronger word than fuck!
I don’t want to end our friendship, but there will be no sugar-coating anything anymore. If you dare to tell me you’re lonely or frustrated or that you’ve seen SD again, you’re going to get a HUGE FUCKING DOSE OF REALITY! This is not meant to sound threatening, but rather a promise. I PROMISE I will put you in your place the next time this comes up if I have to. If being a bitch to you gets you to actually take a fucking action in a POSITIVE direction for once, then a bitch I am!
Your infinitely frustrated friend,
P.S. After you’ve read this, read. It. again!!! Yeah, the truth hurts!