Glad we talked

GSB came over tonight. I’ve been struggling with a lot of things on my mind today, and he was a big part of it. We eventually talked, as he could tell I was a bit quieter than normal. I’m all honesty, I felt, and still do a bit, like I could start crying any minute. I finally talked to him about what “this” was. One thing I will say about him is that he makes it okay for me to talk with him.

Is he the right person for me? No. We both know that. We talk about that. We talked about loneliness. We talked about lots of things. I told him that, if I’m being honest, I want to be with someone who wants me all to himself. He absolutely understood. Do we have a connection? Absolutely!

I now know that despite me not saying what happened with my ex on Sunday, he would have been fine with it. He knows there’s a possibility that I could meet someone else. I know there’s an emotional connection, to an extent, with someone you’re sleeping with. I know I have that with him. For me, it’s unavoidable. It’s just how I’m wired. I need to learn to breathe and trust that things will work out the way they are meant to.

When he left, I felt better. I’m having a bit of mixed emotions right now, but part of that is also due to stress about a new apartment and changing my mind about a previous decision on where to live. I feel like I just need a good cry. Honestly, I feel like what I really need is a good cry in GSB’s arms. As with most things in my life though, I’m just going to have to do this alone. Maybe someday someone will hug me long and hard enough to put the pieces of my broken heart back together. Until then, I’ll take it a day at a time.

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Advice needed

I want to pose a question to you, but I want to preface it by saying that I am not justifying anything I’ve done. I simply want some feedback because I am truly confused.

Towards the beginning of November, I started dating someone. We’ll call him GSB. Things seemed to be going okay, but I don’t know that I’d really call it “dating” per se, as it was mostly just sex. Great sex, but we haven’t really done much else. GSB is five years younger, and we don’t have a lot in common. He’d rather hang out with his dad and watch sports on a Saturday night than go out on a date or hang out with me. Sure, I’d say I deserve better, but great sex is great sex.

After being gone for the Thanksgiving holiday, he came over Sunday evening. As he was leaving, he mentioned that he’d checked out my profile on the dating app where we met and was confused because it said I was 18 miles away. He thought it was weird that it would show that given I was 2 1/2 hours away. It threw me back a bit. I responded saying that the reason it showed 18 miles away was because the last time I’d opened the app was just after we’d started talking and I was probably near my office at the time, which was about 18 miles away. I hadn’t been back on since. I told him I found it interesting that even after several weeks of dating that he was still on the app. GSB made light of it, but it really rubbed me the wrong way. He left shortly after to go home.

After he was gone, I sat there thinking about the conversation we’d had. He never really divulged anything he did when we weren’t together. For all I know, I’m one of many. Because of this, I sent him a text. I wanted to know where we stood because I wasn’t the type to sleep with more than one person at a time. If he was, I just wanted to know. Instead of texting me back, he called when he got home. I thought that was very mature of him. We talked about everything and both came to the sad realization that what we had was great physical chemistry, but that something extra that would take it to a long-term relationship just wasn’t there. I honestly thought it was over at that point.

That was until the next morning when I got my “Good morning Sweetie” text from him. I responded back with “Good morning,” but that was it. Nothing the rest of the day. Honestly, I was a bit confused. The next afternoon around 4:00 pm, he texted me again. At that moment I texted him back and invited him over that night because, “Fuck it! Good sex is good sex!” GSB was happy to oblige.

Fast forward to this weekend. I saw him Friday night for the “usual” fun. Saturday, late afternoon, I invited him over, and he was excited at the thought but said he’d have to call a little later as he was trying to finish some Christmas shopping. I figured by about 9:00 pm I’d hear from him as most stores would be closed. I texted him around 9:30 pm after not hearing from him. Finally, over an hour later he texted me to say he’d have to do this another night. I said I’d agree. I was a bit hurt he couldn’t text sooner that things were taking longer than expected. I mean how long does it take to send a quick text?!

I heard nothing from him all day today. I thought I’d get at least a mid-day text about not getting to see each other. I thought all day about the fact that our relationship is nothing but sex. I’m just a FWB. He’s a sweet guy, but there has been no commitment and we’ve already talked about this not being long-term. The vagueness of our relationship kinda bugs me.

I’d texted with a friend tonight to see how he was doing. This is someone I dated several years ago and haven’t seen in about two years. He’s been through some rough times but we care about each other, so we’ve stayed in touch. To make a looooong story short, he came over tonight and we had sex. It wasn’t good and was over pretty fast. The whole time I felt like a horrible person for even being with him given what I said to GSB about not sleeping with more than one person at a time. My friend didn’t stay over, although he was more than happy to. I just couldn’t have him stay, as I’d felt guilty for feeling like I was cheating even though we don’t have any commitment and have even mentioned this not being anything long-term.

I most likely won’t see my other friend for quite some time, but still really enjoy sex with GSB. My question is, do I end things with GSB or just treat it as a non-committal relationship which would give me the freedom to sleep with anyone? Honestly, I wish I could just go back to the beginning of the night and not have done anything with my ex. Will I ever be able to enjoy sex with GSB knowing what I’ve done? I didn’t say anything to my ex about GSB because he doesn’t need any guilt over doing something that is my issue. He’s got enough to deal with. I did finally hear from GSB tonight around 10:30 pm while my ex was still here. He was just saying good night and Merry Christmas (despite the fact that I’ve told him over and over that my family is Jewish). That made me feel even worse.

Seriously, any advice you have would be greatly appreciated.

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In a better place

My life has been a bit busy for a while, as I’ve been focusing on myself for once. I got back on track with exercising and losing weight, and that seems to be going well. I’m going to be moved by into a new apartment at the end of January that I just found today. It’s an amazing deal and almost 250 sq ft bigger than what I currently have. In addition, this week I went out on a first date with a guy I really like, and the feeling FINALLY seems to be mutual. Our second date was last night and it couldn’t have gone better.

Now is when I have to stay focused. I need to remember that alone time is good and only makes the getting together again that much better. I want to be missed. He seems to be initiating, so I’m hoping it continues. My birthday is just before Thanksgiving, so having someone special to share it with would be nice given I haven’t had that in a very long time.

I keep reminding myself that if nothing comes of this relationship, I’ll be fine. It does seem different this time, but I’ve been wrong in the past, so here’s hoping.

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What’s my problem?

For the last few months, I’ve found that I’ve been very easy to anger. I don’t like seeing this side of myself and I’m trying to figure out how to let things go. My commute one way to work is typically an hour, but even when traffic is light, my fuse is still just as short.

I’m frustrated with a lot of things right now. I don’t like being in a support position at work with no chance of promotion. I’m in my early 40’s, yet most people on my team are in their 20’s or early 30’s. I don’t have the same interests they do, and it can feel a bit isolating. I guess I don’t really care if we all hang out after work, but I never leave for lunch. I’m never invited to go to lunch. In fact, even if I left for lunch, I’d have to make sure to let both my bosses know I’m gone. I can’t just be trusted to leave at lunchtime and be back in a timely manner like a grown up.

My dating life is non-existent. I’m getting better at doing my own thing and not waiting around for someone to make plans with me at least. The only thing is that it is extremely lonely. For example, last night, I started chatting with, what seemed like, a very nice guy online. The conversation was going fairly well, and then he felt the need to ask me what my favorite fantasy was. Really?!?! There are so many other things to get to know about me and you jump right into sex talk?! I’m just tired of being constantly disrespected by guy after guy that I may just become celibate. I’ve got a FWB who I could call, but I really get nothing out of our visits. He gets his, basically demands that his back is scratched, and I get zilch. Why even bother?!

My girlfriend and I are heading to Florida on Saturday for a few days of R&R. I hope and pray that this break from the daily grind helps me get back into a more peaceful and relaxed state. Hell…I don’t even want to be around me at times, and we all know there’s NO break from that.

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Done and Done!

Ever just feel defeated? In the last 2 1/2 weeks the following has happened:

  • I was dating a guy who not only ended up having severe PTSD, but he lied about how long he’s been here when he told me a month. Turns out a very good friend of mine had the extreme displeasure of dating him from November of last year until March. She lost a lot of friends because of him and said he can become violent. On top of this, she confirmed he was seeing someone else while he was seeing me.  
  • A very dear friend of the family passed away unexpectedly, and I attended his funeral. 
  • I had a meltdown at work, and, due to the above issues, accidentally “shot the messenger.” I immediately felt bad about it and had planned to talk to him as it wasn’t his fault. Before I could, my asshole boss had to give me a “talking to,” making me feel worse. 
  • I made plans with friends on Wednesday and every one of them flaked on me. 
  • I made a date for today, and he all but vanished. 
  • I made plans for sushi with a girlfriend for tonight instead, but upon leaving work, I got caught in a hail storm followed by a light at a major intersection flashing red. This turned my commute home into an hour and a half drive…and no sushi. 
  • I got a text from a FWB earlier today and we made plans given that the asshole I had a date with bailed. About the time he would have headed my way, he texted me to tell me he wasn’t feeling well and would have to do it another time. This, of course, was after I showered, shaved, and cleaned my place up.

Fuck this shit! I’m so done!

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Showing Her Strength

Imagine being a teenager and feeling like you don’t have a home. Your parents leave and go on vacation without you, leaving you in the care of random people you know. You basically feel like you’re having to raise yourself. Now add to that the fact that you’re dealing with something so traumatizing that happened to you during your childhood that you are considering doing drugs just so you can have a break from it replaying over and over in your head. This is the situation someone very, very dear to me is in, and I’m torn by what to do about it.

This young lady is a survivor…but that’s all she’s able to do right now – survive. She’s constantly exhausted, she can’t focus at school, and I’m terrified that the dam is finally going to break. She knows that I am here for her. I told her yesterday that I didn’t care what time or day it was. If she needs me, everything else in my world stops. I could see the tears welling up in her eyes, so I just held her while she cried. I’m not her mom, but in that moment, I couldn’t have felt more motherly.

I’m having to explain to her that what she is dealing with and how she is feeling is not normal. I say this to her because this is all she knows. She doesn’t know that feeling depressed and experiencing strong anxiety attacks isn’t something everyone goes through regularly. She doesn’t know that having her dad and stepmom leave multiple times on long vacations and not inviting her, especially when she so desperately needs their help at home is not a usual occurrence.

I have known her since she was 10 years old. We are very close, and she feels very comfortable confiding in me. She always has. In all honesty, I would adopt her if I could. As a woman who tried for years to have a child, it is beyond frustrating to me to see a girl in her situation with parents who, from my observation, are neglecting their daughter. I’m considering contacting her dad and finding a time for us to talk, but the last thing I want to do is make her home life more difficult.

Her mother is not in her life anymore for reasons I won’t go into. I will say, however, that her mom made a choice about who was really important in her life, and it was obvious it wasn’t her daughter. I feel nothing but disgust for her now even though at one point felt we were very close. Because of this maternal disconnect, this sweet girl is now living with a stepmom who didn’t want her to be there in the first place. There seems to be a lack of understanding and empathy on her parents’ part, and she feels like she’s in quicksand. The harder she tries to pull herself out, the deeper she sinks.

I tell her often that I love her, as I’m not really sure that’s something she’s used to hearing. I really do believe that sometimes it just helps to hear it. Plus, she’s just so easy to love. She has such a sweet heart, and I can feel her desperately trying to ask for help with no answer. I’m definitely keeping closer tabs on her by reaching out more often and making a point to spend more time with her. I will fight for her. I will have the necessary conversation with her dad if things get any worse. No one should have to go through what she’s been through. She’s been strong long enough. Now it’s my turn to be strong for her.

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Dating Rx

I recently started seeing someone. When I say recently, I mean as of exactly one week ago today. We’ve talked or texted every day and actually saw each other three times last week. It seems we’re off to a good start. Sure, with every relationship there are red flags. In time, some of the red fades to orange, but you just have to decide what you’re willing to look past. After all, we all come with some sort of baggage.

I don’t really have too much experience with relationships post-divorce. I’ve been on a lot of first dates, but they rarely turn into anything more than that. I do my best to let things happen naturally, but I’m learning to mirror my beau. By this, I mean I’m putting in as much effort as they are. If they aren’t responsive then neither am I. The problem that I run into is when things are going well and then I get thrown off by something out of the ordinary. This usually leads to overthinking and me feeling anxious.

This time, things have been going well. We talked last night and discussed making plans for tonight. We even joked about who was gonna text who first. I waited most of the day without hearing from him, so I thought I’d send him a breezy text just to say hi. Turns out that not only had he not responded after an hour and a half (which is not like him), but he hadn’t read the text either (he has his read receipts turn on).

Just as I was about to call to check on him, he texted me back. Turns out he didn’t get to sleep until almost 8:00 am today and is extremely sore from having to remove a tree from his parents’ back yard yesterday. His allergies have been bothering him for a while now, so I guess it’s safe to say we can add oak to his list of irritants. He asked me to call him when I leave work, so that should help snap me back into reality.

As my girlfriends and I have told each other…we can be totally neurotic with each other about the guys in our lives as long as they don’t see that side. If there was a pill for overthinking, I’d definitely need a prescription with unlimited refills!

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