Re-evaluation Time

Today would have been my 19th Anniversary. It’s hard to believe it’s been three years since I celebrated my 16th and last wedding anniversary. Much has changed since then, but I feel like the happiness scale has been tipped in his favor. You see, he has since gotten remarried and is now the father (the biological father) to a beautiful little girl. He has the family we’d dreamed about, and I’m no closer to even finding someone worth dating.

I wonder if he’s even thought of the significance of today. I wonder if I’ve crossed his mind. Do I want him back? Of course not. I just feel like I’ve gotten the short end of the stick. The only men I meet are either emotionally unavailable or have the maturity of a five year old. Even today I had one guy I’ve briefly been chatting with ask me if I was wearing a skirt with no panties. I asked him if being respectful prior to actually meeting me was too much to ask. He said yes. I told him that he can expect to be waiting a while to actually meet me. Needless to say, I’ve moved on and won’t be speaking with him again. Oh…and did I mention that ball of class is THREE YEARS OLDER THAN ME AND THE OWNER OF HIS OWN COMPANY?!?!

Speaking of a job, I’m growing very frustrated with mine. I work very hard and put in long hours. I’m not paid overtime, but for the last year I felt I was proving myself so my employer would see my value. So, you ask, what happened when I had my one year anniversary in April? Nothing. Not a fucking thing. No one even knew it was my anniversary until I mentioned it the next day. Has anything happened since then such as a review or a piddly pay raise? Fuck no!

I’m basically someone’s assistant. I am 40 fucking years old and don’t have a career to speak of at this point in my life. I make squat and am frustrated that my efforts aren’t noticed and rewarded. I hear the other employees at our satellite locations complain how they’re grossly underpaid and it makes me think that if I stay here that is what I have to look forward to.

I need to do some real soul searching and may take a solo trip to the coast just to think through things. Maybe I’ll call it my soul-o trip and write a series of blogs about it.

I’m also really struggling with feeling lonely. Don’t get me wrong. I have learned to live alone and be okay with that. I just miss having someone there to hold my hand, wipe away my tears, and say, “I got you, baby.” I guess I just need a new lemonade recipe from the lemons life has thrown at me. Maybe I’ll find that at the beach…after all, who doesn’t like a drink with a little umbrella in it?!

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