Staring at this blank page it makes me wish my mind was blank. I wish I could turn it off even for a little while. On Thursday, I received some news from Lynn, my unexpected confidant. She’s married to my ex husband’s cousin. She came into town because she was flying out the next morning to go visit another one of our dearest friends who lives out of state. I was glad to get to visit with her before driving her to the airport the next morning. We’ve remained very close since that fateful night back in 2011, and I don’t know what I’d do without her. We arrived at my place and soon thereafter she told me that she needed to tell me something. I wasn’t prepared for what she was about to say.
She mentioned that two days prior she got a call from my ex husband. He wanted to tell her that he and his girlfriend will be getting married next month.
Deep breath. Slight pause.
She then told me there’s more.
She said that he and his girlfriend/fiancé were expecting and due in October.
My heart sank and the tears started almost immediately. This hit me like a ton of bricks, and she knew it would better than anyone. She said she almost texted me after she spoke with him, but she did NOT want me hearing it via text and she really didn’t want me to be alone when I did hear the news. I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am that she did that for me.
My mind started bouncing back and forth from one thought to the next in fractions of a second.
“But we tried for 16 years to get pregnant!”
“Why does he get to experience that happiness when it was my body that went through all of the treatments?”
“I’m not even close to being in a relationship with someone who wants to have a family with me.”
“Am I being punished for something?”
“He led me on for FOUR YEARS making me think we were going to adopt!”
“I guess it was me who was the reason we couldn’t conceive.”
They didn’t stop. I stared off into space as I tried to somehow process what Lynn had told me. Apparently my ex and his girlfriend had been talking about marriage last December, but he needed to make sure she would be okay with it just being the two of them if they couldn’t get pregnant. Apparently she was, so she went off her birth control. By Valentine’s Day they were pregnant.
I just don’t understand. The reality of it all just kept hitting me in waves and it has continued to do so. After all, they started dating not even 6 months after our divorce was final. It has now been over a year. He’s most likely over-the-moon happy while I am incredibly lonely. How did things turn out this way? Moreover, WHY did things turn out this way? I’m not by any means still in love with him. I guess I just hoped that I would have been in a relationship with someone by now and be just as happy.
This is going to take some time to work through. I know the date of their wedding and whether I want to or not, I know I will be very aware on that day what is happening. That’s just how my brain works…unfortunately. I have to believe that there are upcoming chapters in my life that include me having a family. I wish they were as easy to write as some of my blogs have been. I guess I’m just hoping they are coming up soon as opposed to getting to the end of the book only to find the heroine misses out on the one thing she wants most.