Cold Turkey

It was the right decision. I know that. My head knows that. My heart is having trouble letting go. After spending a wonderful New Year’s Eve with William, our relationship ended on New Year’s Day. It was growing increasingly obvious to me that you shouldn’t be that lonely while in a relationship.

While lying in bed that evening with my head on his chest, I asked him what his schedule looked like this week and when we’d be able to see each other again. He ran through his work schedule and what else he had going on and finally muttered out, “Monday?” That was almost a week away.  I held back the tears but managed to tell him in a very soft voice that it’s hard only seeing him once a week or so and that it gets lonely. He apologized, but was soon asleep as he had to be up early on New Year’s Day for work.

I got up that morning realizing that he had left and I didn’t get to say goodbye. It turned out that he had tried saying goodbye but I didn’t wake up when he did so. I got dressed and headed downstairs with his dog and found a note he left me on the counter. It said, “Happy new year beautiful. MUAH!! I hope I didn’t wake you up this morning.” It was sweet. He and I often left notes for one another on his counter. I took his dog for a brief walk, straightened up the kitchen, and wrote a note that said, “I hope you have a restful day honey. MUAH!” I walked down to my car and headed home. That’s when the tears started.

My mind began wandering as I drove the short distance back to my apartment. Why was I always the one asking when we’d get to spend time together next? Did he miss me when we’re not together? Was I kidding myself that this relationship was going to develop into something long-term? The fact is, I wanted to ask him all this the night before, but I was not only afraid of ruining New Year’s Eve for us, but I was absolutely terrified of the answer. I started to tell myself that I shouldn’t ask him these questions while he was at work, but I realized that at this point he’s always going to be working and I needed to know.

I was soon back at my place, and paused for a moment when I got back to wipe away my tear-stained face. It was difficult holding it back any longer, and I was somewhat glad I was in the privacy of my own home where no one could see me. I got out my phone and sent him a good morning text. It wasn’t long before he responded, as always. I made some small talk and asked how everything was going. Then I took a deep breath and said, “Can I ask you a question?” He responded, “Yes ma’am.” I then prefaced the question by telling him how much I really enjoy our time together. I told him that I had been wondering if he saw our relationship moving forward or if he felt it was more casual. I said that I didn’t know how he felt and wanted to ask. I ended my statement/question by telling him that this was a very scary thing to ask him.

He responded as he always would in this case. He was calm and understanding. He acknowledged that it is a scary question and he understood why I was hesitant about asking. I wasn’t really surprised by what he said, but I had been so hopeful for so long that his feelings for me would grow stronger each time we were together. I just know from how my marriage finally ended that I can’t want it for us both. He said he did find himself thinking about me often, but in the end he has some things he needs to work on and would rather do that alone than with me by his side. Because of this he has not allowed our relationship to progress. After another minute or so, I again wiped away the tears and told him that dragging this out was killing me. I told him good-bye and that I would miss him more than he knows. The last thing he said to me was, “Good-bye. I will miss you. I’m sorry.” I said, “Me too.” That was it. That was the end.

I couldn’t stop the tears at that point. I tossed the phone down onto the couch next to me. I realized that the man I had grown to care about, who I had either seen, talked to, or texted every day for almost the last four months was no longer a part of my life. I had to quit cold turkey. I knew I’d wake up the next morning to go to work and not have a “Good morning beautiful” text from him. I knew there would be something that I’d see or hear that I’d want to tell him about and couldn’t. I knew that the man who I had just spent a wonderful evening with not even 24 hours before was going to be yet someone else for me to get over. My heart was breaking.

I’ve had a few days to reflect on everything. Yes, I know I made the right decision. I know I deserve someone who is both emotionally and physically available. It doesn’t change the fact that I miss him. Even now, writing this, I’m barely able to see the screen through my tears. I’m really struggling with being alone…again. Starting over…again. I learned a lot from this relationship, and many things I learned I have him to thank for. I haven’t been able to delete our texting conversation from my phone. It’s the only thing I have to show for our relationship and deleting it is just too final for me right now. It’s a double-edged sword though. I don’t want to get rid of it, but every time I see it I hurt. I know that he’s not the right person for me, and with time I’ll be fine. I guess right now I’m just having William withdrawals.

His birthday is next month, and knowing me, I’ll send him a quick text just to wish him a happy birthday. There will be no ulterior motive other than to wish him well, and I do. I hope he finds happiness. I know he has some work ahead of him in order to get there, but he will.  I recently saw something that said, “Just because you miss someone, doesn’t mean you need them back in your life. Missing is just a part of moving on.” This is that hard part. The lonely part. The part I fucking hate! I just wish I could fast forward until I’m over him, but for now I’m going to take it a little at a time and hope the time adds up quickly.

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