During my adult life I have experienced many milestones. I remember my high school and college graduations. I remember my wedding…which happened in between my graduations. I remember when each of my dogs came into my life…and when two of them passed away in my arms. I remember buying and selling my first home. Over the past year I have found that I have experienced many new, heart wrenching milestones. I have decided to end my marriage. I have moved out on my own for the first time ever. I have started one job, quit that job, started another one, studied for and taken the test to get my insurance license, and tried to do all this while maintaining what sanity I have left. I have joined a dating site…or three. I have gone out on some horrible dates and some great ones. I have worn my heart on my sleeve and have taken a beating because of it. After all of these, there are still two more milestones that I have encountered that have thrown me for a loop.
The first of these two milestones was the day I found out that my ex-hubby is dating someone. I handled it like a champ at first by telling him I’m happy for him and hope that he’s happy. I honestly do mean that. A part of me will always love him, but I know I’m not in love with him anymore. It’s just something I never thought I’d do when I said my wedding vows. After all, I was his first girlfriend, his first love. I’ve now been replaced and it’s a hard pill to swallow. After we ended our phone conversation I sent him a text message and asked him to promise me something. I did this because, with the exception of our marriage ending, he never broke a promise. I asked him to promise me that he will be happy. He promised me he would and then I proceeded to have a complete emotional meltdown.
The second of these milestones happened today. After my relationship with WK ended, I’ve had a really rough time. We basically left it as we were on a break until he figured out what he wanted to do. I will admit I fell for him. Our relationship was so easy and moving forward could have been so easy, but he just wasn’t ready…or so he said. Today, almost a month after our break up, I made the mistake of checking his Facebook page. This was something I told myself I wasn’t going to do, but today I had a moment of weakness and it caught me off guard. On his page were pictures of him and the girl he is dating. When we started dating he told me he never “friends” anyone on Facebook because he’s had too many cases where someone gets jealous of someone or something said. I understood and never pushed the subject. Now today I not only saw pictures of “her,” but I saw that they were Facebook friends. I guess he lied. I guess I just wasn’t worthy of being added to his list. I guess he was ready for a relationship, just not with me.
I never felt so rejected in my life. I immediately took the step I should have taken a while back. I blocked him from Facebook. This means that I can’t see him and he can’t see me. I can’t have that temptation out there. I also deleted his emails, texts, and pictures from my phone. Just the constant reminder is too much. I wish there was some way I could unsee what I’ve seen, but that’s a bell that can’t be unrung. This will be a decision I will have to live with and can only hope that it gets easier with time.
Now I have to deal with the repercussions of today’s events. I guess if I needed closure on whether or not our relationship would ever start back up it was answered today with a resounding “NO!!!!” I feel like an idiot for ever believing him. I am so hurt that all I want to do is curl up in my bed and cry. I was on my way to meet a girlfriend for drinks and a movie tonight, and I was having trouble holding it together on the way to the restaurant. As I was driving, a song by Fun. came on the radio called Carry On. The chorus goes like this:
If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
I’m listening to this song that used to inspire me and I found my eyes welling up with tears. As I heard the words “Carry On” I told God that I was trying. I feel like all I’ve done the last year is constantly tried to figure out a way to carry on. I’m exhausted from trying. I’m exhausted from always putting on my happy face. I just want something to go easily for once. I know that I need to work on me, but the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on the last year seems to build up speed just when I think it’s coming to a halt. I just want someone to stop the ride because I really want to get off! I am unfortunately learning that I need to remove my heart from my sleeve and keep it a bit guarded for a while. I am still hopeful that I will meet someone who will allow me to let my guard down, but until then I am going to have to keep my bullshit filter turned on high and hope my next milestone is a happier one.