My dog Max and I have the same problem – we’re both lonely. Max’s lifelong companion Maggie passed away back in September. Since then, it’s just been the three of us. He’s been very snuggly lately and that’s fine with me. I’m glad that he’s decided that I’m not put on this earth to torture him by clipping his nails and cleaning his ears. Now my loneliness on the other hand is a little more deep-rooted. A little over a year ago I was having some issues dealing with loneliness and depression mostly due to the fact that after 10 years of trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant, I found myself married to someone who wasn’t really open to adoption. Each time the conversation came up it was quickly quashed or tabled for a later time. What’s even more frustrating is that the only time the conversation has come up was because I did so. Here it is now a year later and nothing has changed. Let me rephrase that. Nothing has changed in regards to our conversation about adoption. Since last year, I have gone on and been weaned off a mild anti-depressant. Now that I’m off the medication, I feel like my emotions are right on the surface. I have no problem crying at the drop of a hat nowadays whereas on the meds I had trouble squeezing out even a single tear. This sounds ridiculous, but that is such a frustrating feeling knowing how badly you need to cry and not being able to at the time. Before, when I was a veritable basket case, I would have said that I need to be on medication. Now I realize that the reason I feel this way is because I’m unhappy and lonely. Medicating myself again would just invalidate how I really feel.
Monday night as my husband and I were about to doze off around 1:00 am, I finally found the courage to ask him if we were ever going to discuss adoption. He said yes, but not at this hour as he had to get up early for work the next morning. When I asked him when we could discuss it, he asked me what we had going on this Saturday morning. I told him nothing, so he said that we can discuss it then. It made me feel like a little kid asking my parents for something only to have them tell me that we’ll talk about it later…with later of course being on their timetable. Really? Saturday?!? We wouldn’t have any time between Monday and Saturday to have this conversation.
I finally got the nerve up to ask him about it again and he quashed it again! I can tell you that it’s gonna really piss me off if he doesn’t bring it up first on Saturday or if he just waits for me to do it. Sure I’m venting right now, but since there’s no one else to talk to, this is what I have to settle for…venting to an inanimate object. Oh joy!
Looking back over the last year I’ve done and am still doing a lot of things of which I’m not too proud. I’ve had and continue to have flings, mostly virtual, with several other men although that has tapered off dramatically as the year has progressed. With my chance of becoming a mother being put on hold by no choice of my own, I’ve realized that this is probably what has caused my life and feelings to stall. My weight loss that I worked so hard at last year has started creeping back up which pisses me off. I know what I’m doing and why I’m doing it, but at times I have that helpless feeling which is a bunch of bullshit! Everything I’m doing is a choice, and over the last year, I’ve made a shitload of bad, if not horrendous choices. This Saturday seems as if it going to be a pivotal day in my life. Never did I think I would be in the situation I’m in worrying about whether or not I’ll ever be able to be a mom. I want the feelings for these other men to go away. I want to go back to being totally dedicated to my husband.
I don’t know what lies in store for me and my future, but I know that this loneliness I’m feeling is sucking the life out of me. I’m sitting here tonight writing this blog with my sweet Max next to me on the couch. He is snoring away and I will soon have to go to bed as well as I keep dozing off. I feel the crossroads approaching and just hope that this Saturday morning I don’t get my heart shattered by my husband because we now want different things in life. What I pray for is a way out of this holding pattern I’ve been in for so long. Here’s hoping I find a ticket on to my next destination – motherhood.