I’m emotionally numb right now. Tuesday was a difficult day and I did something I have never in my life done…I purged someone completely from my life after just speaking with him the night before. I know when you have a connection with someone it’s something you just can’t deny. In my case, it’s something that I need to deny because regardless of the strength and depth of it, I know it is not a healthy relationship. This is my story about Rick.
I met Rick back in junior high school. He played trombone in the band and I played clarinet. Back then he was shorter than me, had nice feathered hair, wore glasses, and had braces. He was a sweet guy, but I really only have one vivid memory of him from all those years ago. We were waiting for the bus after school and for some reason he thought it would be a good idea to put me in a headlock and give me a “noogie” in front of everyone. I, being the quick thinker I am, found a way to get him to release me and think twice about doing that to me again. An elbow to the groin was all it took. Since then, if I happen to mention to my husband something that Rick has said or done, I’ve always described him as the guy I racked in junior high.
Now, 23 years later, my outlook on him is a bit different and is filled with many new memories as well as nicknames…which I will mention a little later. Today, the Rick I know is the father of two children, is married to his third wife, has a career as a corporate accountant, served in the US Marine Corps, and is one of the most amazing singers I have ever heard. He no longer sports the awesome 80’s hairdo but rather shaves his head and has a dark goatee. Oh yeah…and he’s taller than me now.
Rick and I reconnected well over a year ago on Facebook as we have several mutual friends even though we only went to school together in 7th grade. We instantly hit it off and began playing several games that did a lot to show our competitive sides. We always kept it friendly, but it was fun to egg each other on from time to time just to see if we could get the other person all riled up. I noticed last Summer that he was engaged and was soon married. I of course congratulated him and his wife and wished them both the very best. It wasn’t until three months into his 3rd marriage that things between us changed.
While chatting on Facebook as we had done many times before, Rick said something to me that took me by surprise. He said that he thought I was a very attractive person. My response was, “WHAT?!? Where did that come from?” Keep in mind that he was the last person I ever expected to hear that from…especially since he was newly married. He told me that it was something he had been thinking of for a while and just wanted me to know. I of course thanked him for the compliment. After he said that, I pulled up his profile and started looking, really looking, at his pictures. There is something about him that just made me smile. I did all of this as I was still processing what he had just said to me. My response back surprised us both. I said, “Well you’re not so bad yourself!” I of course added the little winking smiley face. We chatted a bit longer, and there was some flirting on both sides, and then we both logged off.
From that point on, looking back, I think I became a challenge for him. He was much more attracted to me than he had originally let on and kept saying things to try to tempt me to want to misbehave with him. One night while chatting with him, he tempted me enough that I got curious. He said to me, “Guess what I’m doing right now.” I admit, I took the bait and asked him to tell me. He told me he was jacking off while looking at my picture.
I guess he must have hooked me on his reel because I got very turned on thinking about that.
From that day on things progressed rather quickly with Rick. First it started out with naughty texts or pictures. Then it was phone calls while I was on a walk. He would sing for me and tell me about his kids, his job, and of course, his favorite topic, his sex life. Everything he said turned me on. Everything he enjoyed sexually turned me on. At this point my libido went through the roof!! Even after having “play time” with Rick I would still want to get off again. At that point, I began greatly increasing the frequency of sex with my husband. Up until that point in our marriage, my libido had been somewhat nonexistent. Now it was as if Rick knew where my switch was and turned it on full blast!! After Rick or I would have sex with our spouses, we would message each other to let the other one know what we did. It just made the attraction between us grow even stronger and seemed to be making our sex life with our spouses that much better.
Our relationship grew even more over the next few weeks. Rick really enjoyed sending me pictures of him naked and kept asking me to do the same. I did send a few pictures, but never a full frontal picture because I’ve always been self conscious about my body. Having served in the Marines, Rick kept asking me to be brave and joked that he would make me an honorary Marine if I would send him a fully nude picture. I remember standing there in front of my mirror, knowing I had already seen him in all his naked glory wanting so much to be brave enough to fulfill his request. I got out my phone, took a deep breath and took the picture. Nope…didn’t look right. Need to delete that one and take another. Nope…the next one wasn’t right either. Redo!! I must have gone through 10 different shots before I finally had a picture that I thought might be good enough. I remember attaching it to a text message that read, “Remember, I’m a work in progress. HOORAH!” I took a big deep breath and hit send.
I was so scared he wasn’t going to like the picture or was going to be turned off because I didn’t look the way I wanted to look. That was not the case. He was very excited to get the picture and it seemed to turn him on even more. Talk about a sigh of relief. Now there’s something you have to know about me. Aside from my husband and my doctors (to some extent), no man has ever seen me completely naked until Rick. This was HUGE!! I did it though. I earned my honorary title and the sexcapades continued.
Rick and I connected over many things, one of which being music. As I mentioned, he is an amazing singer. I will admit that I can carry a tune pretty well, but I don’t even hold a candle to him. We liked many of the same musicals and even talked about how much fun it would be to lie together cuddled up after exhausting ourselves from having sex and watch a musical or just have him sing to me. I melted every time I thought of it.
Did we ever have fun!! We even had nicknames for each other. He called me his “green M&M”…yes, like the candy. It was a reference to a comedian talking about how he liked red M&M’s (his wife), but after having nothing but red M&M’s for so many years, sometimes he just wanted a fucking green M&M (someone else)!! We also used to call each other “Hot Pocket” referencing yet another comedian. We used this as our code name so he knew it was me chatting in with him and that I hadn’t been “found out” so to say.
For a while, we had been playing a game together on our phones that allowed us to send messages through the game. This always excited me because whenever I would get a notice that he had played his turn, it would show sort of a cartoon bubble next to his name with a green number in it. We both thought it was funny since we considered each other our “green M&M.” The messages that would go back and forth were always sexual in nature and we both got off on it. We even started playing the game so that we were using naughty words. Neither of us cared who actually won at that point because it didn’t matter. We must have played hundreds of games. We even used the score towards our fantasies. Whoever was in the lead was “on top” and if the score was tied it was always “up against the wall.” Everything about that game was erotic to us.
The fantasy continued to evolve…
Each time we would engage sexually with each other, we would get bolder and bolder until we both fantasized about meeting in person. Rick always seemed to want more. More pictures, more dirty talk (which I rather enjoyed), more risk mostly on my part. You see, his current wife was only with him on the weekends because of each of their custody agreements with their children’s other parent. Rick lived near Houston and his wife lived in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. Each weekend either he would drive to her or vice versa. So, for him, the risk of being caught was very low. For me, the risk was much higher because not only did I live with my husband all the time, but he mostly worked from home. It wasn’t enough that I was doing what I was with him, but Rick now wanted us to meet somewhere in person because he had to have me. We fantasized about that meeting. Based on things that he and I had discussed, here is how it looked in my head…
I would show up at his hotel room where he would be waiting for me. He’d let me in and I’d walk past him as he shut the door behind me. As I’d turn around to look at him he would start walking my way. Just as he got into arm’s reach…SLAP!!!!!!!!!!!! I slap him hard across the face. He grabs me, turns me around and backs me up against the door kissing me passionately. Everything moves quickly at that point. Clothes start coming off landing sporadically around the room as we make our way to the bed. I take him in my mouth knowing how much he has dreamed of this moment. He then pulls me up to him and kisses me deeply placing his hands on my face and holding me tightly. We move over to the bed and he sits down and anxiously awaits what is about to happen. I climb on top of him and slowly lower myself onto him looking into his beautiful eyes as our fantasy is coming true. Our bodies begin moving together and after an hour or so we collapse into each other’s arms and finally fall asleep feeling completely satisfied.
I would soon learn that the fantasy is completely different than reality.
One night while having fun in bed with my husband, he and I began talking about things we liked and didn’t like sexually. It was very eye opening for both of us as we had never had this kind of discussion before. I had asked him if he had ever wondered what it would be like to sleep with someone else. He said of course he wondered as we were each other’s first. It’s only natural. He said he would never act on it. I guess I pushed the subject enough and he started getting suspicious. One thing led to another, and to make a long story short, I revealed way more than I needed to. No names were ever mentioned, but my husband, who was very calm about the whole situation, was now more aware of the cause of my sudden increased libido.
This night began what has been a very long and rocky recovery of his trust in me and of our relationship and marriage. There were times that I thought I’d be better off with Rick. We’d have an amazing sex life. I’d have two stepchildren and wouldn’t have the pressure of getting pregnant. He could sing to me all the time, and we could laugh about how we’d known each other since 7th grade. That was the fantasy. I played it over and over in my head. That’s the only place it made sense though.
The more I stayed in contact with him, the more I realized a few things about Rick…and myself for that matter. Rick was very lonely. He would go to work, come home, sometimes have his kids, but otherwise would be alone until he saw his wife on the weekend during which he’d have sex as much as possible. I too was lonely. It’s hard to imagine being lonely when you’re not alone, but the truth was that I could be completely lonely in a room full of people. I had lost who I was. I was being defined by how Rick’s attraction to me made me feel. He knew how to reel me in time and time again…and I took the bait every time. I guess I needed to feel something, and I did with him.
The weekend before my birthday I decided I needed to cut out the “playtime” with Rick and very gently told him so via text. This was when I saw a different side of him. He became upset telling me I was making a mistake and that I would never hurt him like this again. He said that I “flip flopped” on him. I calmly explained that it was either stop this with him or my marriage would end. He didn’t believe me, but he said I guess you’ll never have to worry about that. At this point our conversations stopped.
The next day I noticed it was his turn to play but instead I showed that he resigned from the game. I later noticed that he had de-friended me from Facebook. When this happened, I realized that I couldn’t even look him up using the friend finder because his profile was unsearchable. This had never happened to me before. How could someone hate me THAT much that they would not only de-friend me, but also block me. It didn’t take long for this to sink in and I am embarrassed to say that I had a complete meltdown right there in front of my husband. All of the music he and I had shared, all of the PG rated pictures he had sent to me brought me nothing but tears. I cried all the time. My heart was broken. How could I forgive myself for hurting someone I grew to care about so deeply?
This took time and COUNTLESS tears shed.
A month or so later a familiar competitor popped up again. I received a game request from Rick! It completely caught me off guard. I decided to count my blessings that he didn’t hate me after all and not push things. If he wanted to strike up a conversation I would let him. Every time it was my turn I was praying there would be a green bubble waiting for me. Eventually we started talking again.
He was a master fisherman when it came to me. I was instantly reeled in!! Eventually the talking turned to flirting, sexting, and so on. This time things developed very quickly and I felt that overwhelming sense of guilt building up again. I found myself sitting in my car outside of my doctor’s office after an annual check-up with tears just rolling down my face. I knew what I needed to do. I texted him and told him where I was and what I was doing. I cared about him so much and was so afraid of hurting him again. I was very calm, but very open with everything. This time he was patient and more understanding. I was relieved.
Rick and I continued playing our game. We did our best to keep things on the level. Every once in a while one of us would slip up (mostly him) but we’d get back to behaving again. I was so glad he didn’t hate me like I thought he did. We just had a connection that neither of us could explain. Sure, had things been different and we could hop in our handy dandy time machine and go back to before either of us was married and start a fresh relationship then, well things would be a whole lot different. Unfortunately that damn time machine hadn’t been invented yet and we both had to face the facts about our current situations.
One evening as I’m getting ready to watch a show with my husband that Rick and I had also enjoyed, I got a very scary text from Rick. He told me that he had been hit by a car that evening!! WHAT?!?!? My heart sank!!! You see, Rick doesn’t live in Houston, but he works downtown. Each day he drives to a park and ride and then hops on the bus to take him to work. On that particular day, he had been dropped back off and was crossing the street to get to his car and some driver who wasn’t paying attention ran into him hard enough that he ended up on the hood and smacked the windshield. I was so scared at the thought of losing him!! I asked him how he was doing. He said he was sore, but he’ll be okay.
My mind began to race. Feelings started flooding back. I knew the one thing that would help him relax and only I could help him with it. I caved. I did what I knew I shouldn’t do, but at the time I didn’t care. I wanted him to feel good after having such a bad day.
It worked…for him.
Immediately the guilt came back. This time it was even stronger. I couldn’t go to bed without making sure he knew this was a one-time thing and I can’t do this again. I sent him an email and told him what I was feeling. I told him how much he means to me and I didn’t want to lose him but I can’t interact with him sexually again. I ended it by saying that he will always have my love and friendship. I hit send and went to bed.
The next morning there was the green bubble on our game waiting for me. This time it said “Can you please play so I can resign?” I did so and he instantly resigned. I then checked my email and read his reply. He called me on my repeat “flip flop” and then said something to the effect of “Your love and friendship my ass!!”
I deleted the email and tried to move on.
About a month later I had a chat message pop up that said, “I miss you. Sorry to bother you.” Yep…Rick the fisherman again. At this point I was SOOOO lonely that I couldn’t stand it. I missed him so much and could not believe that I was hearing from him again. I took the bait again and after that one night the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. It was then I realized two things. 1. Rick was my Kryptonite. I could NOT resist him. 2. I was beginning to believe that not only was Rick a sex addict, but he must have been a sadist or masochist of sorts. Why would he continue to come back to me knowing how it was going to end and knowing how it was going to hurt both of us?!?
At this point I knew there was only one thing I could do if I was ever going to move past this relationship with him. I had to be the one to walk away this time. Each time I flip flopped (which I am not proud of doing to him again and again), Rick was the one to walk away. He ended the games. He de-friended me. It was now my turn to do the one thing for him that I could. By me choosing to walk away from him I could finally stop hurting him. I didn’t want our relationship to end, but it was becoming very apparent to me that the sexual part of our relationship was something he had to have or he wouldn’t be happy. So, without warning to him, I resigned from our game this time. He was confused and thought I accidentally hit the wrong button so he started another game. With tears streaming down my face, I immediately resigned from it as well. I then got an email from him that simply said “What the hell?”
I took some time to think about what I wanted to say as I knew this would most likely be the last time I’d ever hear from him. I told him how I felt about him. I tried to explain to him why I was doing what I did full well knowing that he would NOT take it as I had intended. I read and re-read the email to make sure it was worded the way I wanted. I hit send and waited for my “kiss my ass” email back from him.
I got it not long after that just as expected.
My heart sank. Each time I said good-bye to him it got more and more difficult. It was as if I was mourning the end of our relationship each time, but each time our feelings became deeper and more intense. I spent countless days and nights crying. I stopped listening to our songs because they only brought back memories that I needed to lay to rest. It took a bit of time, but I was blessed enough to have some confidants close to me who helped me through this process. I knew Rick was out of my life and after hurting him this last time I knew I’d never hear from him again.
Again…I was wrong.
Close to a month after our last “break up” I received an email from Rick. There was no note to me. No harsh words. No fishing line in sight. The only thing contained in the email was a link to a video on YouTube. Everything in me told me to delete the email, but the part of me that would always care about him moved my cursor to the link and clicked. The video that opened up was a memorial video that he and his brother had made for his grandfather when he passed away. It was a beautiful slideshow of memories from his grandfather’s life. The music playing throughout the entire video was a hymn sung by Rick and his brother.
As always, his voice took my breath away.
This was his way of telling me he will always care about me. This was his way of telling me that he doesn’t hate. This was his way of telling me that he remembers what an affect his voice had on me. Most of all, this was his way of telling me that our connection will always be there regardless of whether we are in contact or not. I debated whether to reply back to his email. After pondering this for a while, I finally decided that I needed to acknowledge that I heard his message and that I will always be a friendly voice in his life. My reply contained one word only – Beautiful!
Never in my life did I think I would have put myself in this position not once, not twice, but over and over. Never did I think I could hurt someone as deeply as I did. I not only hurt Rick and my husband, but myself as well. I sit here, with tears streaming down my face, finishing this up almost two months after I started writing this story. I’m not emotionally numb anymore. Now, I think about this whole experience and how it has changed me. How it has changed Rick. How it has changed my husband. I think about the fact that I could have easily lost everything I’ve spent the last 15+ years building. I will admit that I’ve made some more mistakes since these and I fear I’ll continue to make mistakes in my future. I’m learning just how many people can be affected by my choices. I wonder how Rick is doing. Does he think about me? Will I hear from him again? Will I ever come face to face with him in the future? Sometimes I drive myself crazy thinking about these things. Everyone keeps telling me how time heals all wounds. It may heal the wounds, but the scars left behind are a constant reminder of the damage that was done. I hope that by truly learning from this experience, and maybe even eventually forgiving myself of it, that those scars will begin to fade. I can say for sure that I’ll know how to avoid being hooked by the next fisherman…or at a minimum how to free myself from his line. Hmmm…maybe I should get a tetanus shot just in case.