What is wrong with me? I got back this evening from a nice weekend with my husband, parents, and brother. I got to see so many wonderful friends, some that I’ve known as long as I’ve lived in Texas. I spent time with my mom, had a houseful of people over for a cookout, and then went to see a great band play and even got to dance with my husband. I will admit that I have been feeling a bit under the weather for the last week, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. So why do I feel like I’ve lost my best friend? Part of me thinks it’s because maybe I have. I’m not talking about my husband who is an amazing friend as well as many other things. I’m not talking about my two best friends from college, although I do feel like our relationship is a bit different now. The person to whom I’m referring is Wade.
I’ve written about Wade before. I’m not sure how our connection developed, but it really is amazing. He and I have talked for hours about everything. You name it and we have talked about it. I’m not sure what kind of hold we have over each other, but we’ve been unable to lie about or keep anything from each other. Even if we start out doing that, it usually only takes the next time we speak for us to divulge what has been eating away at us. We always feel better after communicating with each other whether via phone, text, or even video chat. We don’t judge each other and are there for support especially when it seems like no one else is. We both love each other but are not in love with the other and have said so many times. Sure, if things were different, we might actually let these feelings develop into something more.
The problem with reality though is that it’s real. I’m married. To make things even more real…he’s now in a relationship with the one woman he feels he can truly be happy with as he’s loved her since they were 16 years old. Because of this renewed relationship, they are spending a lot of time together…as they should…and to be honest, deep down I am very happy for them. I’ve even gone as far as telling him that and he was very appreciative. I finally got to meet her this weekend and she is a very nice person. Short, but very nice.
So I guess now I’ve been wondering where this leaves me. I got so used to him being so available to me all the time. We would talk or text daily and in many cases would video chat and have our occasional playtime. Now, because of his renewed relationship with his ex, our relationship has changed. His availability has dwindled. Our texting isn’t as frequent, our phone calls aren’t as flirty, and playtime has all but gone away. My mind is telling me that this is what has to happen if he’s ever going to have a relationship with someone who isn’t me. My mind is telling me that what is important is that he’s happy. My mind is telling me that he not being as available is a good thing for both of us as we were probably too dependent on each other. The problem, I’ve found, is I don’t know how to tell this to my heart.
My heart is telling me things that are completely different and conflicting with what my mind is telling me. My heart is telling me that I want him to myself and I shouldn’t have to share him with anyone. My heart keeps reminding me of this connection that I have with him and how I feel when his arms are around me in a hello or good-bye embrace. My heart is telling me that his eyes and smile can put me at ease even when his words don’t know how to. I know I should listen to my mind, but my emotions are getting the better of me…as they always do.
I got to see Wade this weekend along with his girlfriend. I saw how they held hands. I saw how they sat close. I saw how he would kiss her on occasion. I saw my relationship with him change with each of these acts and it brought reality closer and closer to the forefront. I wanted it to be ME that he held hands with. I wanted it to be ME that he sat close to. I wanted it to be ME that he kissed. I wanted ALL of this…as I sat next to…my husband. Instead, I did what I always do…I put on my happy face and pretended that none of this bothered me and prayed quietly to myself that maybe someday it won’t.
I got a great hug when I first saw him and another when they were leaving. Before they left, and as I was in his arms for just a short time, he whispered in my ear that he loves me (as he tells me all the time) to which I replied in kind. I whispered that we’ll have to talk soon and I’m sure we will. I thanked him for coming to see me and he squeezed me a little tighter before he let go. Then he was gone.
So…now I’m back at home. I’m hours away from Wade, and even worse is that I won’t get to see him again until mid-April. I have several busy weeks ahead of me which is good. I have a session with my therapist tomorrow which is even better. The only thing I can hope to gain out of all of this is the knowledge that I will always have a wonderful connection to Wade and that we will always be in each other’s lives. Because who he sees or doesn’t see is out of my control, I feel like the only thing I can do now is pray. I pray that the changes to come lead me in a more positive direction in my life. I pray that the steps I’m taking to start a new career provide me with the fulfillment I’ve desired and help me reach and maintain my goals both personally and professionally. And finally, I pray that I am able to shift my thinking and learn how to think with my head while keeping Wade forever in my heart.