What Now?

I have been trying to write about someone who recently came back into my life…again…only long enough for me to hurt him immensely…again…and now he’s gone most likely for good this time.  I can’t seem to get my thoughts together and finish writing about him.  Either that or I just don’t want to admit to myself just how stupid I was and how badly I’ve hurt him.  I have completely purged him from my life by deleting his phone number, email address and emails, IM, Skype, & pictures.  The only thing that is left is some music that I can’t seem to get rid of however I cry every time I hear it.  After this last encounter with him, I’ve realized that I have made a complete mess of my life.  Right now I feel like I’m losing myself.  I don’t know who I am or what I want to do with my life.  I have no direction and am feeling very isolated and lonely.  My husband is trying to find things that we can do together, but my problem is that I’m feeling smothered.  He works from home and I’m not working, so we are together ALL THE TIME!  Now he wants us to do more things together and it’s a bit overwhelming.  I’m finding myself wanting to run away…either physically or emotionally to other people.  He discussed taking a week-long cruise for our 15 year anniversary in May and that means I’d be alone…with him…for a WEEK!!  Not to mention that I’d also be isolated from anyone else because it would be an international cruise.  This means no access to my friends via cell phone.  Even now, I’m reading this and it appears I’m just rambling on and on.  So I guess I have to ask myself, “What now?”

I’ve given myself a deadline of the end of March to find a job.  I have been looking in papers, online, and anywhere else I can find.  I think I’m going to just post on Facebook that I’m on the job hunt and see what offers come in…of course whilst I continue to look.  Never in all my childhood did I think my life would turn out this way.  I always thought I’d have a nice career, a husband, kids, and a wonderful happy home.  I have a great husband, a wonderful home, but because of the fact that the kid part has been so difficult to obtain (I am still childless), the career path has been washed aside.  The stress of the treatments we went through were too much to handle along with a stressful job, so I quit.  I quit my job.  I quit the fertility treatments.  I quit myself.  Now, several years later after leaving my last position, I find myself without the things that I felt would define me.  I’m embarrassed when someone asks me what I do for a living and I say I’m a stay-at-home wife.  Then they ask how many kids I have and I say none.  So, basically I’m just a lazy woman who doesn’t have any real self-worth.

This job hunt is a bit depressing.  After looking through all the jobs available, I don’t really have any marketable skills.  I’m afraid in order to find something worthwhile I’m going to have to go back to school.  The only problem with that is that I have NO IDEA what I want to do.  I feel like I have so many questions right now about everything in my life and no way to find the answers.  I’m really hoping that I hit bottom soon so I can find my way out, but sometimes it just feels like they keep lowering the floor.

I know that I’m at a crossroads, a self-discovery of sorts.  I guess I’ve always relied on others to lead me out but that’s not how I’m gonna find my way this time.  I could really use some extended moments of clarity.  I could really use things to go my way…whichever way that happens to be at the time.  I could really use some immediate guidance from within, but I guess I’ll just have to keep searching for it just like a job.  I know that one way or another something is going to have to change.  I can’t keep having these meltdowns.  I HAVE to get out of this funk I’m in!!  I have to make it through this crossroads and get on a newer and better path for myself.  I’m not sure where it will lead, but it does feel like it is going to be the road less traveled.  I just hope and pray it makes all the difference.


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