My Conundrum

I’ve always been the kind of person who completely over thinks everything! I constantly wonder what I should have done differently or why I can’t just be happy with how things are. Most of the time it’s my mouth that gets me trouble. I’ve said in the past that I tend to say what other people are only thinking. Sure, a closed mouth gathers no feet, but I don’t always follow that logic. Basically, my brain likes to throw itself into overdrive at times and I have trouble turning it off. This prevents me from falling asleep and I have even resorted to doing something I never ever thought I would do – I took a sleeping pill so I could get some much-needed rest. I’ve never been much of a drinker, mostly because I was more of a goody two shoes, but that’s definitely not the case now. Don’t get me wrong, I only drink when we go out which may be once a week at the most, but anything is an increase compared to what I was drinking before. There are days that I just want to scream “BRAIN, WOULD YOU PLEASE TURN YOURSELF OFF?!?” In case you were wondering…that doesn’t help. I’ve been struggling with my feelings in regards to several men for a while now. I’m not sure what will happen long-term with them, but it’s something I felt the need to write about because getting these thoughts out of my head should help quiet the noise.

Let me give you a quick rundown of my dilemma. First, there’s John who I’ve written about before. He’s an amazing man. We dated back in college and we both still have feelings for each other even after not being in contact for 17 years. Next, there’s Rick. I first met him in 7th grade and we also lost contact until a year or so ago. He may not be in my life anymore at this point because of mistakes I’ve made, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about him. Finally, there’s Wade. We met in college and were really only acquaintances then. We reconnected last Thanksgiving and have developed an amazing relationship. Sure, the idea of having feelings for three different men can be a problem for any woman. What makes this even more complicated is that I am married. Let me repeat that. I. Am. Married!!

Let’s delve deeper into my conundrum shall we? I have now been married almost 15 years to a truly wonderful man. He is handsome, smart, polite, chivalrous, a hard worker, affectionate, and I can go on and on. So the thing I’ve been asking myself is why in the hell am I drawn to these other men? It wouldn’t be a problem if I was just enjoyed chatting with them and that’s it. I could deal with that. What I am struggling with is the fact that I have engaged in sexual activity (not in person) with each of these men and it appears that my guilt has either built up so much that I’m numb or there is none at all.

It is most likely the latter at this point, but with Rick, the guilt was so overwhelming that I drove him away not once, not twice, but FOUR times before we broke off contact for good. Have I cut him completely out of my life? No I can’t bring myself to do that. I still have his contact information in my phone, I’ve saved a message from him on Facebook since his profile isn’t searchable, and I find myself thinking about him and wondering how he is doing without me. I know I won’t contact him, but it sure is tempting sometimes!!

My relationship with John is so loving and we’re both enjoying the fact that we’re back in each other’s lives after all this time. We have agreed that we WILL NOT lose each other again…even if that means the “play time,” as I’ve begun calling it, has to end. He is the only one of these three “other” men who I’ve had an actual relationship with prior to now. We were young and inexperienced in college, but it got serious enough for him to propose. Now, all these years later, we’re getting to do some of the things we wanted to back then…but from several states away…and it’s been great!!

I can’t even begin to explain my relationship with Wade. He and I agree that our relationship is the most honest and most fucked up pairing we’ve probably ever been in. He and I have such great conversations. We can talk about anything and everything…and we do. He is the only one out of my three guys who is single, so there are some jealousy issues on both our parts. He is jealous of my husband that he gets to have sex with me, but I am extremely jealous, even though I have NO RIGHT to be, of any woman he sleeps with. He and I have met in person as he lives in the same general area as my parents. There has been some groping and a few pecks, but that’s it…aside from our virtual play time. He definitely has a way with words as he’s the one who got me into writing. Don’t even get me started on his hands!! Sigh…..

So, you’re probably wondering where all of this started. It began with my first contact from John. When he finally confessed to me how he felt and has felt all these years it rocked me to my core. About a month or so after we started talking again, he had to leave for a few months as he is in the Air Force and was leaving for Afghanistan. Since he’s been back, we’ve texted just about every day. Regarding Wade, I have chatted with him, texted him, or talked to him pretty much every day since right after Thanksgiving last year. He is usually available to me in one form or another so it’s been very easy to get attached to him. This too is a struggle I deal with.

What do I do when I have to give up MTG (my two guys)? I may not have to give up our conversations, but I have the feeling that there will come a day when the play time will have to end and I’m not sure how I’ll deal with that. I can handle the fact that John will be having sex with his wife…and that makes me happy, but I feel stupid with how jealous I am getting when it comes to Wade. I have no right to be jealous of either of them because I’m having sex with my own husband. I just can’t seem to get my jealousy feelings under control for Wade. I know he only has sexual escapades every so often, but it makes me want to cry when he tells me that he’s been with another woman in one way or another. I feel like a child for having these feelings and I’ve asked him to stop telling me about them because I can’t seem to keep my emotions in check when it comes to him. I’m not sure if it’s because we actually will see each other from time to time or because we’ve been physical in person, but it’s just not something I can handle hearing about from him anymore. I don’t mind having play time with him, but I’m afraid my jealousy issues will end that as well…which might be for the best. He was great about it as he feels the same when it comes to my sex life.

This has all been such an emotional roller coaster. I just hate that as I’ve been writing this, I’m in tears and can’t stand it when I’m not in control of my feelings. I guess that’s to be expected considering what I’ve been doing. The longer these relationships go on, the more I’m learning about myself which is good…but I’m also getting even better at lying which is something I’m completely ashamed of. I have no idea how this will all play out, but considering I have to be up in four hours to run a race, it’s probably a good time to shut my computer and brain down for the night. Here’s hoping they both cooperate!

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